Amy Winehouse

depression/anxiety… help?!?

I may have depression since I’ve lost interest in the stuff I used to like, I’m disconnected from my emotions and the worst part is… it’s making me lose feelings for my boyfriend. I’ve never felt this way before. I’m sure that I love my boyfriend with all my heart but ever since I lost the feeling of happiness, hopefulness and the like, things just haven’t been feeling the same with him.

But it’s not just my boyfriend, sometimes when I don’t think about him and instead I think about the things that aren’t related to him, it still feels the same. The things I like doing like dancing and playing flag football don’t feel the same anymore…It’s like I completely forgot how to feel about anything! And it’s really starting to scare me… It’s like I’m not myself…

This all started when I freaked out and panicked about getting hemorrhoids.. I thought it was something deadly and ’serious’ (even if it wasn’t).. it was the first time I experienced it and I totally felt humiliated that I had it, shocked and utterly scared. I was asking myself over and over again, “Why me?” And I was just so sad..I let my spirits drop. During that time, I realized I couldn’t feel much for anything since I was just so tired to feel afraid and embarrassed… I freaked out even more when I couldn’t feel anything for my boyfriend. We were watching TV and things just didn’t feel the same all of a sudden…! I cried the whole night once I discovered that I might have lost feelings for him because I really couldn’t believe it. I love him so much, how can this be happening? I asked myself.. the next day, I didn’t feel so well from crying the whole night. My eyes were swollen and I had a slight fever. My nose was clogged and I had a bad cold… I couldn’t smell anything… that’s how it started..

I also feel like I’m living in a dream because I’ve never been un-emotional AT ALL. It’s like I don’t remember how I used to feel…

Sometimes I just worry even if I’m not thinking about anything, I just…worry and worry and there’s a tightening in my chest because I know something is just…not right or missing… Even if I’m NOT thinking of my boyfriend, I still feel worried that something is wrong because I’m not feeling right. Which leads me to think that it’s not our relationship that’s the problem we were so PERFECT before this sh*t started to happen and I’m so frustrated at myself!

People say I’m overthinking everything and I over analyze everything and I just need to calm down but I can’t calm down because it’s the LOVE OF MY LIFE I’m dealing with… I can’t lose it. I can’t lose him.

Also, just recently… I can’t seem to feel right when we become intimate. It’s like it’s so hard for me to concentrate on what I’m really feeling It’s scaring the shizz out of me that I’m not feeling like myself… I know this isn’t me! When we /do/ get intimate, my body feels it physically but emotionally… it’s just blank… PLEASE HELP ME. I’m really scared… I don’t want to lose him because of this!
I really want to gain my feelings back for him and to look forward to the things I used to look forward too. Please help me.. Will it ever come back? If I get better will I start loving and being happy again? Back to my normal self? I don’t want to break up with him just because I can’t feel anything it’s so unfair .. It’s hurting me so much… I can’t believe it when I get near him it’s like I’m so nervous because I don’t feel anything and I hate it…

I don’t want to leave him because what if I become fine again after a while? What if this /is/ actually all just a phase? Then at the end I would have just lost someone that made me the happiest person ever… I can’t risk that. I can’t… I would HATE to hurt him because of this because I care about him so much and all I want is for him to be happy. I’m so scared of losing him to whatever it is that I’m feeling right now!

And I want to be happy too… with him… please help me :’(

It’s been at least 3 weeks..